The Epic Limerick from Heck Pilot, Part One
by Bluemoonalto
Summary: Seven years ago Nantukos, the evil muse of limerick poetry, took over my life and forced me to summarize an hour of Due South in five line verse. For three straight days in 1999 all I could do was write limericks, 22 of them in all.


The Epic Limerick from Heck (Pilot, Part One)

by Melanie Mitchell

ooooo0ooooo

A Mountie was shot in the snow,

in the very first scene of the show.

His son crossed the pass,

to avenge some dead bass,

Even though it was fifty below.

ooooo0ooooo

Your father was shot by mistake,

by hunters, just west of the lake.

Now I know that your mad,

and you're grieving for Dad--

You'll feel better, Ben, after the wake."

ooooo0ooooo

The crime scene was really a mess.

The herd had twelve caribou less

than before. Then some clues,

like the prints from the shoes,

proved the killer was from the U.S.

ooooo0ooooo

He asked Gerrard, please, for a transfer--

"Don't give me a negative answer!

Though assignments too urban

I once found disturbin'

You won't stop me getting my man, Sir!"

ooooo0ooooo

Ben shortly arrived at O'Hare;

Air Canada carried him there.

He quarantined Dief,

donated dried beef,

and saved thirty dollars cab fare.

ooooo0ooooo

He gave Ray a nasty surprise,

exposing entrapment and lies.

He then met his boss;

his colleague was cross

while she gave him his office supplies.

ooooo0ooooo

LeeAnn said triumphantly, "Fine!

I hope you possess a strong spine.

Six hours or more

at the consulate door

will teach you that this job is mine!

ooooo0ooooo

Ray laughed at a constable who is

alert, at attention, but clueless.

He chortled with glee,

said, "Are you kidding me?

Do they actually pay you to do this?"

ooooo0ooooo

Ray admitted his error and said,

"I'm sorry, my face is quite red.

Had I not checked your list,

then I just might have missed

that one of your dentists is dead."

ooooo0ooooo

Ben's courtesy shows that he cares.

(Ray thought Ben was putting on airs.)

"Politeness from cops

takes one minute, tops.

We'll just have to climb up the stairs."

ooooo0ooooo

They questioned the doc with the beaver

concerning the dental deceiver.

The pic gave a clue,

'cause Ray thought he knew

a crook with the very same sneezer.

ooooo0ooooo

Ray said, "This is not a mistake.

That nose is on one Francis Drake.

He likes to cause harm--

he broke his wife's arm!

He's your man with the gun by the lake."

ooooo0ooooo

Ray wanted to follow the lead,

but Ben had a more pressing need.

"Dief waits in despair

in a cage at O'Hare.

His time's up; he wants to be freed."

ooooo0ooooo

The Mercedes was parked near the bar.

Dief followed, but didn't get far.

Those kids-- Benny bade 'em,

Ray couldn't persuade him--

They were already watching the car!

ooooo0ooooo

The bartender said with a frown,

"You're not welcome in this part of town!"

Ray said, "What's the use?

I'll just sing like a moose,

and my buddy'll break the door down."

ooooo0ooooo

"Ahem! May I have your attention?

Thank you! Now let me just mention

that my purpose is clear,

for as long as I'm here,

I'll engage in some weapons retention!"

ooooo0ooooo

Although Benny spoke with conviction,

the atmosphere had too much friction.

Every gun in the place

was right in Ben's face--

"Hey! Dudley's got no jurisdiction!"

ooooo0ooooo

Ben was in an awkward position,

but Dief brought his plan to fruition.

Then Ray made his point

while Drake shot up the joint:

"Do Canadians use ammunition?"

ooooo0ooooo

Drake left Ben and Ray standing flat,

then told a conspirator that

"My fee is now double,

'cause now I got trouble,

and trouble is wearing a hat."

ooooo0ooooo

The captain was truly nonplussed.

"Detective, you screwed up this bust.

Your priortity base is

those forty-one cases

on your desk, that are gathering dust!"

ooooo0ooooo

Ben apologized kindly to Ray,

then generously offered to pay

for a phone call. He found

that the caribou drowned,

then he quietly went on his way.

ooooo0ooooo

Ray contemplated Ben's mood:

he is one very unhappy dude.

Now my limerick is done,

for all of part one--

except for this: To Be Continued...

ooooo0ooooo

Author's disclaimer: The presence of the words "to be continued" does not represent a warrantee on the writer's part to produce additional limericks. Nantukos, the unhinged muse that inspired this bit of insanity (or is in inanity?) has not seen fit to show here face around my home since this 22-verse epic was completed. If she does show up again, I may just have to shoot her with a big gun.


End file.
